I have an idolatry problem.
It's quite complicated. It involves relationships, self worth and a few other issues. The entire thing goes back 30 years.
I met my first ex gf at what was essentially my first job, which was a job training place for disabled people. I'm high functioning disabled and I guess she was too in a way. She had seizures and a weak leg though I've never seen her fall or have a seizure. Her family was overprotective so apart from work and workshop functions, she spent her time at home, not going out at all. Not only that, she was afraid of taking chances mostly because of her condition like she just about never kissed me because she was afraid of getting caught by our supervisors. These insecurities influenced my own since I thought kissing, going out, doing things other than sitting and talking, trusting that I wouldn't let her get hurt, was all part of a relationship. This led to me ultimately giving away my "first kiss" to another coworker, who told me she had a dream where we kissed. One day, before Nhu, my gf, arrived, the other came into the work area and motioned me out to the hall where we talked a bit and then I reminded her of the dream and we French kissed. Then I was ashamed of myself and confessed to my friends, then to Nhu. Nhu started making remarks that she was ugly compared to Diana. She even made those remarks in her notes and letters she gave and sent me over the short time.
Then came my time to be "trained out" of the workshop so I got a job at a local Pizza Hut but right before that I we had a new coworker named Tina. She was slightly less high functioning with a dream of becoming a teacher and she eventually made it a mission to get Nhu and I back together since we had broken up once. However, even though Tina had a crush on one of our supervisors, we became close and I thought my feelings for her grown but she never got the chance to know.
A month after a failed attempt to get Nhu to do something more at the spring dance (even though we did sneak outside for a sweet, sloppy kiss), I read in the newspaper that Tina was shot by her ex step dad over one weekend and within hours of me reading this, she died. I was a coward and broke up with Nhu for good.
A few years passed and I met this Downed girl at the grocery that my mom and I lived near. I thought that nothing bad would happen if we were friends so we traded numbers. However I had this crush on someone I worked with at Pizza Hut with a similar name but this particular lady had some kinda weird age difference rule the details I since forgot, so when she started dating our supervisor, I thought "I might as well... " and started dating the downs girl just so I would have a gf again. This was before I had got the internet and I never bothered to research downs syndrome and the only exposure I had was the show life Goes On. Angela wasn't high functioning and I learned much later that not many downs people were high functioning. It took about a year of the relationship before her smothering and...other details...took a toll and I called her and said it was best we see others.
Since then I've decided I'd wanted someone less disabled or at least as high functioning as me but at the same time feared that I didn't deserve anyone better than the severely disabled. I tried to flirt with everyone but I really wanted a kid of my own also and all that I met had either boyfriends or husbands. I also had been close minded enough to not want anyone that couldn't have anymore kids, until I met Sheila online.
